To the tune of The Ballad of Jed Clampett
Come and listen to the story of a boy named Pip
Poor little orphan who was something of a drip
Then one night he was staying up late
When a convict told him, “Your ‘specations are great.”
Cash, that is. Moolah. Big inheritance.
Next thing you know Pip is hanging with Estell’
Nasty little bytche who made his life a hell
He never gets a shot at Stella’s bearded clam
‘Cause she’s trained as a c0cktease by ol’ Miz Havisham
Real nutter. Looney-tunes. Full bubble off plumb.
Six hundred pages later Pip discovers there’s no dough
He has to get a job which just completes his woe
Biddy gets married to someone who’s not Pip
But that’s okay because he is still a drip.
Lachrymose. Lugubrious. The End.